This article includes spoilers regarding the film “It Ends with Us.” If you are experiencing domestic violence, The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers a confidential way to talk to trained advocates, available online or by phone (800-799-7233), which is especially important for those whose online activities might be monitored by their abuser. They can assist survivors in creating a safety plan for themselves and their children.

Despite its focus on combating domestic violence, I found myself smiling quite a bit while watching “It Ends with Us.”

I even laughed and blushed a little, especially in the beginning.

This might seem surprising, but the film’s early lighthearted and romantic tone serves a meaningful purpose by illustrating a fundamental aspect of toxic and abusive relationships.

I approached the movie, which is based on Colleen Hoover’s novel, with skepticism. The marketing seemed to present it as just another romantic film featuring two charming men vying for the attention of a beautiful woman (the talented Blake Lively as Lily Bloom).

Knowing the film focused on domestic violence, I questioned why the promotional efforts were not more explanatory about the dangers of abuse.

‘It Ends with Us’ accurately depicts some aspects of abusive relationships

Disregarding the marketing, “It Ends with Us” effectively portrays several truths about domestic violence that could enlighten viewers who may lack knowledge or hold misconceptions about toxic relationships.

One key aspect the film addresses well is to highlight why individuals find themselves in abusive relationships.

When Lily encounters Ryle Kincaid, portrayed by Justin Baldoni, he seems to be a charming and attractive neurosurgeon with commitment issues – how romantic!

Ryle quickly pursues Lily, despite her attempts to keep the relationship platonic. He disregards her boundaries, which is a common trait among abusers, and relentlessly chases her until she becomes infatuated.

Together, they experience everything from passionate intimacy to cozy moments at his upscale apartment. Who wouldn’t enjoy that? They soon move in together and get married shortly after.

Often, friends and family remain oblivious to the signs of an abusive relationship until it’s too late – when there are visible injuries, verbal assaults, or financial manipulation.

What many miss is that abusive relationships rarely begin with violence, and physical abuse is only one facet of the problem. It’s not that abusers are inherently dangerous from the start; they often obscure their controlling nature with charm, romance, and passion.

This phenomenon is referred to as “love bombing,” characterized by lavish dates, heartfelt gifts, and sweet declarations of love.

Ryle’s abusive behavior starts with seemingly minor incidents – throwing objects, kitchen “accidents,” or falls – but Lily doesn’t entirely ignore the warning signs. Like many victims, she sees the red flags yet rationalizes them. She is manipulated into thinking these occurrences are unfortunate accidents or moments of frustration. Those responses are sadly quite common.

Rather than recognize Ryle as an abuser who creates joyful moments as a distraction from his harmful actions, Lily believes he is a good person who inflicts harm only in rare, uncharacteristic instances.

As the storyline progresses, flashbacks reveal Lily’s youthful love for her neighbor, Atlas Corrigan, played by Brandon Sklenar. This relationship feels sincere and markedly different from her connection with Ryle.

As an adult, Lily encounters Atlas again since they both run businesses in the same town. However, she doesn’t leave Ryle for this better partner. Instead, she finds herself locked in a trauma bond with Ryle, a common connection in abusive dynamics that keeps individuals trapped.

Abuse is not a constant presence; it tends to go in cycles. This reality is one reason many survivors stay in the relationship, clinging to the hope that the kind treatment will return.

Eventually, Ryle’s jealousy and controlling nature escalate to sexual violence, prompting Lily to seek solace with Atlas.

For those who have survived domestic violence, these scenes may evoke strong emotional responses.

“Abuse stems from beliefs and attitudes, not emotions. The foundation is ownership, the trunk represents entitlement, and the branches are control,” writes Lundy Bancroft in “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.” This dynamic is effectively portrayed in the film.

What ‘It Ends with Us’ lacks in portraying abuse

Unfortunately, the movie adaptation of “It Ends with Us” misrepresents certain elements of abuse, possibly due to a lack of knowledge or time constraints.

The film fails to clarify a question frequently posed to those who experience domestic violence: Why did you remain? Why didn’t you escape?

Eventually, Lily departs from Ryle, citing his abuse. After the birth of their daughter, she courageously informs Ryle that his abusive behavior “ends with us.”

This moment is especially impactful as we discover that Lily was raised by an abusive father. She aims to break this cycle of trauma. Ryle surprisingly accepts her statement and quietly walks away.

The movie wraps up with Lily, content in her divorce, and her attractive, caring high school sweetheart possibly re-entering her life.

However, those who have experienced domestic abuse understand, and studies confirm, that leaving is typically far more complicated than what is depicted in the film. On average, a survivor attempts to leave seven times before successfully doing so.

Unlike Ryle, many abusers seldom take responsibility for their actions or show genuine change over time.

Research indicates that the most perilous moment for a domestic violence survivor is in the first 18 months after they leave their abuser. Even a restraining order can feel like a flimsy safeguard against an abuser desperate to regain control.

The idea that abusive men (who are predominantly the ones committing domestic violence) merely lose their temper in a fit of “passion” is a falsehood.

As Bancroft points out in his book on counseling abusive men, “When a man starts my program, he often says, ‘I am here because I lose control of myself sometimes. I need to get a better grip.’ I always correct him: ‘Your issue isn’t losing control; it’s that you’re taking control of your partner. To change, you don’t need more self-control, you need to relinquish control over her.'”

Survivors, particularly those with children, often face post-separation abuse, which can manifest as stalking, escalated physical aggression, draining bank accounts, withholding funds, threatening custody battles, evading divorce proceedings, refusing to work, and neglecting child support obligations.

Capturing all these realities in a single film would be challenging, yet it reflects the truth for many victims.

Hollywood avoids the harsh truth

It has been disheartening to observe that most promotional activities for the film have steered clear of discussing domestic violence, survivors, or even acknowledging the various resources available to assist those seeking safety.

Images and videos from the film’s premieres showcase Lively in stunning floral outfits, often accompanied by the cast. Lively even used this film’s launch to promote her hair product on Instagram.

Yet, domestic violence is neither beautiful nor glamorous.

Only after weeks of cheerful interviews promoting the movie did Lively finally address criticism by sharing a hotline link in her Instagram stories. Survivors of domestic violence may view this as underwhelming, and justifiably so.

While it’s not Hollywood’s responsibility to eliminate domestic violence, it is disappointing to see how little the producers and cast have utilized this film—and their platforms—to foster discussions about abuse and highlight resources for survivors.

They passed up a major chance.