As we approach the presidential election, I’m pleased to see my buddy Jesse Watters from Fox News challenging Democratic vice presidential pick Tim Walz on issues that are important to real Americans.

I’m talking about the topic of milkshake masculinity.

On Wednesday, Watters commented during his show: “Women appreciate masculinity, and Tim Walz is not winning them over, which speaks volumes about his masculinity. Recently, he was seen with a vanilla ice cream shake, using a straw. That says it all.”

To start, Watters highlighted that the correct, masculine way to refer to a “vanilla shake” is “vanilla ice cream shake.” A real man orders it this way, whether at Dairy Queen, through a McDonald’s drive-thru, or at a local ice cream shop. Asking for a “vanilla shake” is simply not masculine enough. By being specific, you assert that you want a full-fat, honest-to-goodness American milkshake, not some lightweight, trendy oat-milk substitute.

The Fallout from ‘Strawgate’: Can Walz’s Masculinity Recover?

More critically, Watters was sharp in noting that Walz was sipping his vanilla ice cream shake using – for the love of all that is masculine, cover your ears, boys – a straw.

As gym bros will reveal, using a straw is the least manly way for a guy to enjoy a vanilla ice cream shake. Seriously, which macho man needs a flimsy plastic tube to consume their rich, American milkshake? If you’re sipping on a frozen treat through a straw, you might as well hand over your man card, right? (And you know I’m right. No self-respecting guy ever questions that.)

Using a straw for a milkshake? That’s a liberal move!

I’m really glad Watters exposed Walz’s delicate method of consuming milkshakes. Polls reveal that Kamala Harris’s running mate, despite using straws, is somehow gaining more favor than the tough Republican candidate JD Vance.

There’s no way Vance would ever be spotted using a straw. Doing so would take away his ability to share important masculine opinions about women having more children.

How is Walz doing better in polls than Vance when he drinks with a straw?

According to a recent YSL News/Suffolk University survey, 48% of likely voters have a favorable view of straw-using Walz, compared to only 36% who like Vance. Surprisingly, Walz is even polling better among women.

It’s clear that the poll was taken before the incident of ‘strawgate’—before women across the nation discovered that Walz drinks his vanilla ice cream shakes in such a non-masculine way.

Walz should learn how to properly enjoy a milkshake

You might be curious about how a real man should properly savor a vanilla ice cream milkshake. There are two acceptable masculine methods.

The first option is to simply open your mouth, hoist the milkshake up high – and don’t forget to flex those biceps – and gulp the entire milkshake down in one go. If you experience brain freeze, it’s only a concern for those delicate, soy-based liberal types. If the sudden influx of sugar causes your pancreas to rupture, that’s just a part of being a real man.

The second option, which is decidedly more masculine, involves tossing your vanilla ice cream milkshake into the air and shooting at it with your ever-present handgun because you are bold. As the shake splatters down, you catch the falling bits with your mouth while effortlessly holstering your weapon. You then proceed to reassure a nearby woman that she shouldn’t be concerned about her reproductive rights because Vance and GOP presidential hopeful Donald Trump have that matter under control.

Wow, sipping a vanilla ice cream shake through a straw. Tim Walz, you’re really going to need to work hard to emerge unscathed from this debacle.

And he’s got the audacity to label us as strange.

Connect with YSL News columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly known as Twitter, @RexHuppke and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk