Discussing finances can be incredibly uncomfortable. Perhaps that’s why we shy away from the topic. Our financial situations are often as private as personal matters. This is a view shared by financial therapist Lindsay Bryan-Podvin.

“In society, money has become this ultimate taboo,” she explains. While conversations about sexuality, body image, and food are becoming more common, discussing money remains “the big elephant in the room,” she argues.

A recent survey by financial services company Empower revealed that more than 60% of Americans refrain from discussing money. A significant number (63%) avoid these conversations with family and friends, and 46% don’t even discuss it with their spouses or partners.

Bryan-Podvin practices in a relatively new area within mental health that explores the emotional and psychological aspects of money. She believes our financial wellbeing is closely linked to overall life satisfaction.

She encourages individuals to start having financial conversations, if only to address recurring questions like, “Am I spending wisely?” “Am I saving enough?” and “How does my situation compare with others?” According to Bryan-Podvin, these inquiries reflect a larger concern: Am I normal?

In our dialogue, we created five guiding principles for promoting healthy communication about money and understanding one’s own financial habits.

1. It’s Okay to Spend

There’s an outdated notion that being financially savvy means never spending money, says Bryan-Podvin.

“That’s not just false; it’s not a sustainable approach,” she stresses. In her perspective, money should be spent. While saving is essential, investing in hobbies or experiences that enhance your life or foster your sense of community has an equally important role in a well-rounded budget.

“Taking care of ourselves through spending is not only normal; it’s vital,” acknowledges Bryan-Podvin.

She also represents CashApp, which recently released a trends report revealing a rise in spending on “small joys.” The platform, which facilitates direct cash transfers, noted a 500% increase in transactions labeled “sweet little treat” and a 349% increase for “sweet treat” over the past year. Bryan-Podvin interprets this trend as evidence that many are prioritizing self-care through their spending.

The takeaway: Embrace the idea of spending money for self-care when needed.

2. Make it Personal

While you can adapt basic budgeting frameworks from traditional approaches, they won’t be effective without customization. Much of the budgeting advice is standardized, explains Bryan-Podvin. Without adjusting your budget to reflect your actual spending habits, it might not work as intended.

For example, if you find more value in a daily coffee run than in buying a new pair of shoes, your budget should showcase that preference.

Bryan-Podvin suggests focusing on personalization instead of rigid rules, avoiding black-and-white thinking. “It’s about discovering a balance that feels safe and achievable, allowing people to determine what works for them,” she elaborates.

The takeaway: Craft a budget based on your unique spending patterns rather than an arbitrary ideal.

3. Grant Yourself Permission

Bryan-Podvin, who continues to work with clients, notices a recurring pattern where many individuals seek permission regarding financial decisions.

Even as adults, many find themselves questioning, “Am I allowed to purchase this?” or “Is this acceptable?”

It’s no surprise, given that research shows our attitudes toward money are often established by ages seven or eight. This could stem from witnessing financial arguments in childhood, leading to a reluctance to discuss money, or internalizing the belief that funds are boundless due to occasional large gifts for special events.

Bryan-Podvin highlights how childhood financial influences can carry into adulthood. However, she reassures that this doesn’t have to define your future. You can choose to rewrite your financial narrative.

“Our goal isn’t to erase past beliefs,” she explains, “but to extend compassion and understanding for previous decisions and then create a new, more positive storyline.”

In essence, recognize your current situation, reflect on your past, and work on crafting a better future.

The takeaway: Give yourself the green light to spend mindfully and actively unlearn harmful habits from your upbringing.

4. Remove Shame from Debt

Debt, whether from student loans or credit cards, can feel shameful.

Bryan-Podvin emphasizes the link between debt and mental health issues, such as depression. The stigma attached to debt can permeate various aspects of life, affecting relationships, sleep, and professional performance.

Consumer debt tends to carry a stronger stigma. “Having a mortgage often doesn’t bring on shame, but consumer debt does carry weight—people assume it reflects a lack of self-control,” she explains.

She suggests adopting a diagnostic perspective instead of placing blame. Avoid vilifying your debt, as responsible credit management is crucial, and there’s no need to fear using credit cards. Rather, focus on devising a realistic repayment strategy, and spare yourself the self-criticism about past financial choices.

The takeaway: Don’t be harsh on yourself.

Instead of getting overwhelmed by debt, consider creating a plan to reduce it.

5. Communicate Clearly and Early

While finances might not seem like a thrilling topic in a relationship, they are crucial. According to Bryan-Podvin, one of the biggest errors people make is assuming their partner, friend, or coworker can guess their feelings about money.

You might have a budget in mind and expect others to understand your spending limits. This can lead to frustration when someone asks for money through CashApp or Venmo without realizing you’ve set a limit.

“Discuss money matters early on and revisit the topic regularly. Don’t be afraid to stumble through those conversations,” she recommends. “Many of us find it difficult to talk about money, so we try to bring it up in a subtle way, which might come off as bold to us but can be missed by others.”

In romantic partnerships, Bryan-Podvin cautions against “doorknob moments.” This term describes the habit of dropping important financial information as you’re leaving the room, without giving it proper attention. It doesn’t have to happen literally by the door but can refer to any time relevant information is shared without thoughtful dialogue.

“This often stems from a need to protect ourselves at the moment,” she explains, but it can actually create more issues. Not discussing finances properly perpetuates the idea that talking about money is uncomfortable, which can hinder respectful and productive conversations with your partner.

“It may feel awkward initially, but it gets easier with practice,” Bryan-Podvin reassures.

The key takeaway: Avoid mentioning that you’ve emptied the joint account as you rush out the door for work.