What occurs when the happiness of the holiday season conceals the hidden suffering in countless homes?

Each year, as the holidays draw near, domestic violence shelters and hotlines prepare for a significant increase in calls. The added stress of the season acts as a potent catalyst, easily igniting tense situations. While ads and films depict this time as one of joy and tranquility, it can feel particularly agonizing for those currently enduring or having endured domestic violence, as I have for countless years.

For individuals caught in toxic relationships, the holidays can be exceptionally challenging, as there is pressure to maintain a flawless facade. The toxicity tightens its grip when a victim feels as though they are performing at family and social gatherings, serving as a stark reminder of the secret struggles they face.

In my childhood, nothing I did ever met expectations. Compliments on my mother’s meals felt inadequate, and the gifts we picked for her were also deemed lacking. The year I skipped church, my grandmother labeled me a “devil worshiper.”

This cycle of inadequacy followed me into adulthood. I used alcohol to mask the hollowness, substituting it for the peace, joy, and love I felt I should experience. During my marriage, the holidays became moments of exposing my vulnerabilities regarding my looks, background, accomplishments, and intellect. It turned into a season of unrealistic perfection that I consistently failed to achieve.

Along with these experiences, I faced physical and sexual abuse during my childhood, teenage years, and even as an adult.

Domestic violence reports rise by 20% every December

Nearly half of all individuals, regardless of gender, encounter forms of harm and abuse. In the U.S., over 12 million people experience abuse within a year, a statistic that has increased since the COVID-19 pandemic and shows no signs of decline.

These statistics are particularly high for women who are Black, Asian, from minority ethnic groups, or immigrants. Additionally, December typically witnesses a 20% rise in police actions related to domestic violence.

The heightened pressures of the holiday season coupled with the lowered self-control stemming from fatigue, emotional upheavals, and alcohol use, creates a dangerous environment. Abusers take advantage of this vulnerability, leveraging their intimate understanding to cause profound hurt.

Abusers are adept at manipulating their victims, inducing fear, and cutting them off from support systems. People may wonder why a victim does not leave sooner, but escaping an abusive situation demands immense bravery and meticulous planning, often taking months or even years. Despite the suffering, some individuals feel trapped, clinging to what they know and fearing the unknown.

For anyone trapped in a cycle of abuse during this season, as well as those aiming to support someone who might be, I have some advice that I wish I had received:

• Acknowledge that you are engaged in a challenging battle. Cultivate self-kindness and prioritize self-care. Say no to excess activities and conserve your energy for what truly matters.
• Develop a safety plan. Seek advice from professionals on creating one. They won’t judge; they are familiar with helping others in similar situations. Remember, you don’t have to face this alone; your support network is there for you. If you or someone you know is facing domestic violence, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. Assistance is available 24/7.
• Substances can intensify already elevated emotions. The increase in drinking and drug use during the holiday period can lead to more violence. Research indicates that substances were used before 47% of domestic assaults, and 92% of abusers were under the influence that same day. My suggestion is to drink responsibly or not at all. Find a supportive friend who is not your abuser that you can contact during a crisis. If you’re visiting someone else’s home, consider discussing alcohol availability with the host ahead of time.

There is hope on the horizon. I am living proof.

When engaging with someone who may be trapped in an abusive cycle or healing from one, extend kindness such as offering a hand or a hug, rather than criticism. You never know how impactful those moments of compassion can be for someone stuck in a harmful situation.

I can hardly believe that I’m finding joy in this holiday season. Typically, I would be feeling sad, isolated, restless, and overwhelmed with emotional pain. Or I would seek solace in trivial distractions or push away discomfort.

I pushed myself to perform at work in every aspect, leaving no room for thoughts of anything else. I relied on a mix of adrenaline and fatigue to escape the pain I was feeling.

During my path to recovery from trauma, I’ve discovered that peace comes with a lack of toxicity, and that quiet moments can bring stillness. The charm of an imperfect handmade ornament adds happiness to our lives, and a heart that remains open and non-judgmental nurtures love.

At 47 years old, this week marks the first time I’ve truly felt the wonder and joy of the holiday season, while decorating our 10-foot Christmas tree with my sons. Although it can be difficult to see in the moment, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I stand as living proof of that.

Rachael Kelly is the founder and CEO of HiveStrong, a nonprofit organization that assists survivors of domestic violence, abuse, and human trafficking by helping them escape dangerous situations and providing them with pathways to lasting economic independence. She is also the bestselling author of “From Trauma to Triumph: Finding your way out: The End,” a memoir detailing her experiences with abuse and her healing journey. Proceeds from the book benefit HiveStrong.