Venting your frustrations to one friend about another might seem satisfying, but it doesn’t always help reduce feelings of anger. Research indicates that listeners who hear a friend express their frustrations tend to develop a stronger liking and support for that friend, especially if the venting is not accompanied by any negative comments or aggressive attitudes towards the other friend involved. This suggests that venting can play a hidden role in competing for the affection of listeners.
According to psychologists from UCLA, expressing grievances about one friend to another might not truly relieve stress, but it can enhance the listener’s fondness and treatment of the venting friend. Their studies reveal that under specific circumstances, it serves as a competitive move, creating a closer bond between the listener and the person venting, while diminishing their regard for the targeted friend.
However, this positive impact is negated if the venting individual openly criticizes others. The researchers conclude that the real advantage of venting lies in fostering stronger relationships, which can yield benefits down the line, along with promoting better well-being and happiness in those who are well-regarded among their peers.
“Since the 1950s, we’ve understood that the Freudian idea of venting as a way to release pent-up feelings is incorrect,” explained lead author Jaimie Krems, an associate psychology professor at UCLA. “While venting may feel relieving, it doesn’t consistently lessen anger and can sometimes even intensify it. We were looking for a better explanation of the impact of venting. Therefore, we explored a new perspective — that in certain situations, venting can prompt those we share with to support us more than those we are speaking about.”
Most studies on close relationships have centered around romantic partners. Yet, for younger individuals, friendships hold many of the same significance as romantic relationships; the U.S. surgeon general has even addressed the “loneliness epidemic.” Researchers emphasize the importance of understanding friendships better, including the ways people may strive to be favored by their friends over others.
“While people openly acknowledge competition for the limited time and affection of romantic partners, they seem hesitant to admit to competing for friendships,” Krems noted. “However, if being more liked translates to better support from friends, we should anticipate some level of competition for friendship, despite how we may feel about it.”
In a study published in Evolution and Human Behavior, Krems and her colleagues from Oklahoma State University and Hamilton College asked participants to either listen to a friend vent, gossip, or criticize a mutual acquaintance. Although the scenarios varied throughout the experiments, the venting typically began with the phrase, “I’m so frustrated and hurt right now…” followed by expressions of disappointment over a mutual friend’s last-minute cancellation.
In the derogation scenario, this same complaint started with, “I’m so frustrated and angry right now…”. In other setups, participants heard the speaker gossip about dining with the mutual friend or express frustration over vehicle troubles.
Participants then rated their feelings toward both the speaker and the target using an 11-point sliding scale. Those exposed to venting about a friend’s cancellation tended to favor the speaker over the targeted individual. This trend changed when the speaker criticized the target for similar behavior, shared neutral gossip, or vented about car issues.
In another study, participants heard friends vent or criticize the target and were then tasked with distributing a batch of lottery tickets between the speaker and the target. In the venting case, participants consistently allocated more tickets to the speaker rather than the target, contrasting with the derogation condition.
However, an additional experiment revealed that venting could backfire. When researchers indicated that the venting individual had a rivalrous relationship with the targeted friend, participants no longer preferred the venting individual over the target.
The findings illustrate that the speaker becomes more appealing only when listeners do not interpret the venting as stemming from aggressive intent towards the target. This indicates that venting can efficiently serve as a competitive strategy for attention from listeners precisely because it is not usually recognized as such.
The perks of being better liked by friends might involve receiving preferential treatment, as seen in the ticket experiment, but they can also extend to less tangible benefits. For instance, friendships are closely linked with enhanced economic mobility, health, well-being, and longevity.
The researchers stress that this competition need not be a conscious process, and some experts suggest that such strategies might be more effective if we remain unaware of our competitive tendencies. If we do not perceive our actions as aggressive, others are less likely to recognize them as such.
They also highlight potential pitfalls of venting, such as when speakers are viewed as aggressive, choose inappropriate topics, or select the wrong individuals to vent to. The fact that venting can be effective at all implies that people are often quite strategic — whether consciously or unconsciously — about what they choose to discuss and with whom.
“With so many people feeling lonely today, it heightens our responsibility as researchers to accurately describe the dynamics of friendship,” Krems stated. “While we’d prefer to depict it as all fun and games, the reality can be more complex: like a cuddly yet fierce koala.”
