Opinion: Fat Bear Week started with a shocking event. Shouldn’t we give the bears weapons?
This alarming incident of bear violence suggests that we need a major change in this cherished event: Park officials should arm the bears.
It was inevitable that Fat Bear Week would experience an outbreak of violence.
This year, the popular online competition, which showcases bears competing in size and weight, had a delayed start after a shocking incident: a male bear known as Patches killed a female bear, competitor 402.
The horrific act took place before the cameras set up in Katmai National Park and Preserve, Alaska, prompting officials to postpone the initial release of the tournament bracket.
It’s time to arm the bear contestants in Fat Bear Week
After the traditional day of mourning for the bear community, known as “The Day of Grrrrrrrrace,” the tournament brackets were finally shared on Tuesday. The 2024 Fat Bear Week is now in full swing, inviting votes for the bear that best represents “fatness and success in brown bears.”
However, this shocking instance of bear aggression makes it clear that we need a radical change for this treasured event: Park officials should provide the bears with firearms.
The large bears are just trying to survive. So why not equip them?
Park spokesperson Matt Johnson noted: “National parks like Katmai not only protect the beauty of nature but also the hard truth of survival. Each bear seen on the webcams is competing with others for existence.”
Indeed, these hefty bears are out in their natural habitat, striving to survive and grow. It only takes one aggressor like Patches to disrupt this delicate balance.
Picture how different the outcome might have been if competitor 402 had been armed with a Ruger Super Redhawk Alaskan revolver. She could have had a fighting chance against Patches.
Could liberal policies be fueling a crime wave among bears? Absolutely.
Yet these fat bears, possibly due to overly permissive park policies, remain vulnerable. Surely the officials know that the only way to stop a dangerous bear is with another bear equipped with a weapon (and skillful enough to use it).
As we navigate this unfortunate turn of events for Fat Bear Week, important questions arise. Who is Patches? Did he enter Alaska legally? Or is he just one of those roaming Canadian bears allowed by the Biden administration to invade our territory?
What solutions can we implement to combat this crime wave among bears, which threatens the essence of our Fat Bear Week?
The solution is straightforward and distinctly American: firearms. A plethora of firearms. (Perhaps also a wall along the Canada-Alaska border, but let’s focus on the guns first.)
There’s no way anything could go wrong by arming all the bears
Every competitor in Fat Bear Week should be given a rifle and a handgun, along with several specially designed bandoliers of ammunition, because it would add a striking flair to these hefty creatures. (And let’s be honest, any bear would look powerful with such gear.)
For the competition, Katmai National Park and Preserve is introducing a new law allowing bears to defend themselves. During the Fat Bear Week competition, scoring will be modified to reflect the number of “potentially dangerous” bears each hefty contestant targets. No penalties will be imposed for unintended incidents. It’s a trade-off for freedom and safety.
An American Approach to Every Issue: Introducing Firearms
After the competition concludes, the remaining bears will retain their firearms, and any future incidents of bear-related shootings or den confrontations will be attributed to a “bear mental health crisis.”
This is the sole method to restore greatness and safety to Fat Bear Week.
Let’s unite as Americans and engage in a quintessentially American response to assist these plump bears: Dramatize the actual events to create a sense of fear, and then introduce firearms to complicate things further.
God bless America and our large bears!
