You’re out on a date with someone who seems fantastic.

They’re good-looking and delightful. But wait − are they a bit too delightful?

Narcissists can be found all around us. They exist in our workplaces, schools, at family gatherings, and yes, even right in front of you on a first date. Experts in psychology suggest that it’s highly probable everyone will encounter a narcissist (or multiple) at some stage of their lives.

While dating a narcissist might feel thrilling and romantic, such relationships are often filled with manipulation and harm, making it vital to identify these individuals early on.

There isn’t an infallible way to determine if someone is a narcissist from the start, but there are signs you should watch for. Be cautious: these indicators aren’t typically clear on the first date, but may reveal themselves over several weeks as you get to know the person gradually. Consider them as ongoing behavior patterns that emerge over time − indications that are unlikely to change.

“Many people tend to think: this will improve over time; things will get better once we know each other better; things will change if we move in together; or once we’re engaged or married, it will all be fine,” explains Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist renowned online as “Doctor Ramani” and a prominent authority on narcissism. “No, it likely won’t change. What you see now is what you’ll get.”

Why Do People Get Involved with Narcissists?

Experts define narcissism as a personality style marked by an exaggerated sense of self-worth, lack of empathy, and a strong desire for attention and admiration, among other traits.

Narcissists often grapple with profound feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, according to Durvasula. “When these feelings surface, they generate significant shame, which can be followed by intense rage.” Other common traits of narcissists include a sense of grandiosity, extreme sensitivity to criticism, controlling behavior, a tendency to play the victim, and mild paranoia.

Despite their potential for abusive behavior, narcissists are often “incredibly appealing” when it comes to dating, particularly in the initial phases, as noted by Durvasula. “They radiate charm, charisma, and typically have more apparent success.”

Only about 5% of individuals exhibit narcissism to a degree that qualifies as a personality disorder, according to the Cleveland Clinic. However, Durvasula argues that this number might not fully reflect the issue, as many narcissists see no fault in their behavior, making them unlikely to seek therapy or receive a formal diagnosis.

Some studies have indicated that narcissism might be on the rise in recent years, but this area remains debated among scholars. A 2008 study revealed that narcissism had risen by 30% among American college students from 1979 to 2006. Nonetheless, Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Medical School, mentions that this study used the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, which might measure self-esteem rather than true narcissism.

Although the exact rate of narcissism is uncertain, Malkin asserts that social media has amplified the visibility of narcissistic behavior, making it challenging to overlook.

“It’s more pronounced,” he states. “Social media platforms provide a space that allows narcissists to present themselves in a very accessible manner.”

Be On the Lookout for These Signs of Narcissism

It’s unlikely you’ll detect all the characteristics of a narcissist on your first outing; however, here are some key signs to watch for.

1. They Want to Share Personal Stories Too Quickly

Nearly every narcissistic relationship starts with what experts call love bombing, which Durvasula describes as “overwhelming affection at an accelerated pace.” Love bombing could involve whisking you away on a romantic adventure for an early date or showering you with extravagant gifts too soon.

“It feels almost like a dream, but also a stressful dream,” remarks Durvasula.

During the love bombing period, a narcissist may attempt to share intimate personal details. However, don’t be misled, cautions Durvasula: this kind of openness does not signify genuine closeness; it’s a tactic for manipulation.

“I assure you, that vulnerable secret you shared during your third date will be used against you later on,” she warns. “They’re just gathering information.”

It’s possible to protect yourself from narcissists.

While their extravagant actions might come off as charming, this phenomenon known as love bombing is typically soon followed by a period of devaluation, which isn’t nearly as pleasant.

“It’s like once they’ve got you where they want, they lose interest,” explains Durvasula. “Imagine a child who fights for a toy, gets it, and then neglects it. They were just in it for the chase.”

2. They portray your bond as too extraordinary to be real

Be attentive to how your date describes your relationship.

“If they start using overly grandiose language about your connection, like claiming, ‘I’ve never felt such a remarkable bond with anyone ever,’ that’s a warning sign to consider leaving,” advises Durvasula.

Other concerning phrases can include, “I can’t stop thinking about you,” “Why can’t we always be together?” and “You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met.” Be cautious of excessive texting as well.

“Trust your instincts if it feels overwhelming or rushed, and don’t hesitate to step back,” Durvasula notes. “If they insist on setting the pace, that indicates how the relationship will likely unfold.”

According to Malkin, narcissists often exaggerate their feelings to obscure their insecurities.

“Highly narcissistic individuals often fear emotional damage,” he states. “So when they idealize someone, viewing them as superior, it shields them from the possibility of getting hurt.”

3. They speak poorly of their ex-partners

If your date speaks negatively about their former partners with a sense of vengeance, take note.

“You should think, ‘How long until I’m also in that category, being talked about in that manner?'” warns Durvasula.

4. They have a snobbish attitude about looks

“People with narcissistic tendencies often pay a lot of attention to their appearances,” says Durvasula. Yet, she adds, “Not everyone who is stylish or well-groomed is a narcissist.”

She suggests observing how your date comments on the looks of others and how crucial they consider appearances.

“What stands out is their snobbishness and disdain for others. For instance, remarks like, ‘Did you see that outfit?’ or making classist comments,” she says. “There’s often a strong link between snobbishness and narcissism.”

Malkin adds that if someone keeps you waiting as they prepare or seems more focused on their appearance than on your conversation, take heed.

“They’re prioritizing how they look over genuine connection,” he explains. “They’re so absorbed in their image that they fail to engage with the person right in front of them.”