Bad behavior in children frequently happens away from home, prompting parents to restrict their kids’ interactions with certain peers. Yet, recent research suggests that forbidding friendships might actually lead to worse behavior rather than improving it. When mothers criticize their children’s friends in an attempt to control misconduct, it often results in the child becoming more isolated from their peers, amplifying the issues that they were trying to avoid. Interfering in friendships can negatively impact a child’s social status and create more challenges for adjustment.
Misbehavior in kids usually occurs outside their homes and away from adults, making it understandable for parents to attribute the blame to their children’s friends. Consequently, many parents assume they can prevent future issues by reducing their child’s interactions with these ‘problematic’ peers.
However, a new study warns parents—especially those who tend to get overly involved—not to stop their children from making friends, as such actions could make matters worse. How does this happen?
A longitudinal study focusing on middle school students, published in The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, shows that when mothers disapprove of their children’s friendships in reaction to behavioral issues, this disapproval can harm the child’s relationships with their peers. This, in turn, aggravates the very behavior problems the mothers sought to control.
Brett Laursen, Ph.D., one of the authors and a psychology professor at Florida Atlantic University, collaborated with researchers from Mykolas Romeris University in Vilnius, Lithuania. They studied a community sample comprising 292 boys and 270 girls, aged 9 to 14, over a school year. Students participated in surveys at the start, middle, and end of the year, assessing their social status (both how liked and disliked they felt among peers) and classroom behavior through peer nominations. The children also provided self-reports concerning their behavioral issues along with their mothers’ perceived disapproval of their friends.
The study indicates that mothers who tried to intervene in their children’s friendships by prohibiting those relationships inadvertently increased the children’s behavioral issues. Specifically, mothers expressing disapproval towards their children’s friends, in response to reported behavior problems, unknowingly harmed their children’s peer relationships, resulting in alienation from classmates. This led to further adjustment problems.
The researchers compared various reactions from classmates towards mothers’ interference with friendships. The results suggest that maternal disapproval typically provokes active dislike from classmates, rather than simply reducing the number of peers who appreciate the child.
“These findings are significant because they shed light on how disapprovals of friends can lead to heightened behavior problems. Maternal disapproval can actually be counterproductive as it negatively impacts the child’s social standing,” noted Laursen from FAU’s Charles E. Schmidt College of Science. “Kids might share their restrictions and the reasons behind them with friends, or mothers might directly express their disapproval to the friends themselves. In either case, these reactions are rarely welcomed. Friends might respond by ridiculing or shunning the child, causing social avenues to diminish as peers avoid contacting someone labeled as uncool.”
The researchers also proposed another possibility: mothers might indeed succeed in disrupting a friendship.
“Consider this situation. A friendship is terminated because a mother disapproves. Now the child has to find a new friend. Who would want to be friends with someone whose mother interferes? The pool of potential friends is likely to shrink, leading the child to consider relationships with peers who are also rejected—those who struggle socially,” explained Laursen. “Often, these children are not liked due to their own behavioral issues. Consequently, interference in peer relationships may lead the child to associate with classmates who have their own struggles because they have few other options.”
Forming friendships with children who exhibit behavior problems can pressure them to engage in the disruptive actions that their mothers want to prevent. Furthermore, losing social standing raises the risk of behavioral problems, as it increases emotional distress and complicates coping mechanisms. Lastly, excluded children may miss out on social interactions with their typically developing peers, hindering their chances of acquiring appropriate social skills.
“Parents should seek positive alternatives instead of banning friendships,” recommended Laursen. “It’s essential to maintain warm relationships with children, as support can serve as an effective shield against negative peer influences, breaking the cycle of peer issues and adjustment challenges.”
The researchers also encourage parents to facilitate opportunities for healthy peer interactions in supervised environments and to promote engagement in adult-organized clubs and activities, which can help reduce deviant behavior.
