Hello, fellow liberals:

Seriously, what happened? It’s January 6, I was at the U.S. Capitol, fully ready to join you in a coup, and no one else showed up. Did I overlook something important?

Clearly, it was a Monday. Congress gathered to tally the electoral votes confirming Donald Trump’s victory, exactly four years after those Trump supporters attempted an insurrection to overturn the 2020 election.

And because of you, we missed the chance. I thought we had a strategy, folks! Did everyone hit snooze on their alarms?

I truly hope you didn’t just turn tail. We’ve learned that from the last insurrection, engaging in such actions is deemed legal and patriotic. I know some of you might have hesitated, thinking it could be seen as “treason” or “against the law” or “un-American.”

But that’s nonsense.

Trump and many Republicans believe it’s unfair that those last insurrectionists ended up in jail, as they merely stormed the U.S. Capitol aggressively, hurt multiple police officers, and yelled threats against then-Vice President Mike Pence.

The only reason they faced jail time is that their actions were recorded, and they either confessed or were convicted by juries, while MAGA supporters seem to disregard legal standards. In fact, Trump has referred to them as “hostages” and has promised to clear their names.

Thus, there’s no chance the incoming president or his supporters would have held it against us if we had staged a minor disruption at the Capitol aiming to challenge the American people’s decision. I thought we had all agreed: They’d call us heroes and proud patriots and let us create a catchy rendition of the national anthem for big political gatherings.

Come on, we discussed this at every Antifa meeting! If they get one chance at a coup, we should too. That’s how this nation operates.

And our approach wouldn’t have been as chaotic and aggressive as those MAGA supporters. We had everything mapped out, with each liberal insurrectionist teamed up with a partner to keep things in check, and a crew on standby to swiftly tidy up and recycle any mess. We even enforced a strict policy against vandalizing the walls with excrement.

It would have been a completely legitimate effort to disrupt the peaceful transition of power and later be vindicated since Republicans and President Trump have made their stance clear regarding insurrections every four years.

But, no, you all had to bail out and leave me standing on the steps of the U.S. Capitol in my extraordinary horned helmet, blue face paint, and “Harris/Walz Won! Stop The Steal!” sign, making a complete fool of myself.

I can’t express how humiliating that was. A couple of guys in MAGA hats mocked me, can you believe that?

Now we have to wait another four years before we can plan our insurrection! Who knows if Trump and the Republicans will still be okay with it by then. They might revert to thinking it’s wrong or something.

This is unbelievable. Don’t even think about asking me for the next meeting, you guys.

— Rex, FORMER chair of the Liberal Insurrection Committee