The sound may be scratchy and off-key, and yes, it’s a “cold and broken” interpretation of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah,” yet it remains her rendition, and whenever Shlomi Berger hears it, he is overcome with emotion.

Agam, the daughter of Berger, was taken by Hamas exactly one year ago as the militant group wreaked havoc in southern Israel, resulting in over 1,200 deaths and the abduction of 251 individuals back to Gaza. This unprecedented attack on October 7, 2023, sparked a catastrophic war that has since claimed more than 41,000 Palestinian lives, as per reports from the health ministry run by Hamas.

For the Berger family, like many of the hostage families in Israel, this past year has been one of unimaginable fear, dread, and uncertainty. They have spent a whole year not knowing if Agam Berger, now 20 years old, is alive, or how her captors are treating her. The void left by their daughter’s absence is profound; her father remembers her as someone always ready to help kids in their neighborhood near Tel Aviv.

For the Bergers, it has been an entire year without “our Agam.”

“What is she doing? How is she doing?” These questions are what tear me apart,” her father shared in a conversation before the first anniversary of October 7. The attacks led to widespread trauma and sorrow across Israel. Families and entire neighborhoods in Gaza have been eradicated. This war raises concerns about igniting a broader conflict involving Israel, Iran, and Hamas allies from Lebanon and Yemen. A year later, the most intense grief lies with the hostage families and the bereaved.

“Hearing her play the violin is just too painful,” Berger, 52, remarked about a video showing his daughter performing Cohen’s uplifting and profound hymn about life’s unpredictable nature.

‘They’re not being held as prisoners of war’

Agam was abducted along with five other young female soldiers from the Nahal Oz base just a day after she began her military service as a border patrol officer.

This was an entry-level yet significant role located only a few miles from Gaza.

She served in a unit primarily made up of female soldiers aged 18 to 21, tasked with staying on the base for long hours to monitor for suspicious activities. Agam’s role has grown in importance for Israel since October 7, as many in her unit had attempted to alert their superiors about unusual goings-on in Gaza in the lead-up to the attack.

Members of her unit reported to their commanding officers that Hamas seemed to be engaging in explosive training and rehearsing assaults on mock setups.

Unfortunately, if those alerts were received, they were disregarded.

Agam did not have a strong desire for her scouting role.

She had initially expressed the wish to be a training officer to complete Israel’s mandatory military service, but when that fell through, she reassured her parents she would give her best effort in whatever role she was assigned.

The family last heard from Agam during a brief seven-second phone call from an unfamiliar number. She was safe inside the Nahal Oz base, describing the sounds of gunfire and explosions.

Then the call ended abruptly.

The Berger family learned of their daughter’s situation when a video was released by Hamas on October 8, showing her in a bloody and distressed state, with her hands bound behind her. She was seated on the floor alongside four other hostages who had just witnessed the murder of 15 of their peers at the base and a nearby community, shortly after Hamas launched its attack in the early hours.

Some of the young women, including Berger, were still dressed in their pajamas.

“You’re beautiful,” one of the Hamas fighters tells a frightened female soldier in the footage.

While capturing soldiers is not classified as a war crime, mistreatment certainly is, and war experts note that capturing anyone, be it civilian or military personnel, as hostages is unjustifiable.

“These young women soldiers are no different from civilians,” stated Laurie Blank, an international law professor at Emory University. “They aren’t treated as prisoners of war,” which is a recognized legal category entitling them to access medical aid, humanitarian resources, and decent treatment.

In the past year, the Berger family has received two pieces of “evidence of life.”

The first was on November, coinciding with Shlomi Berger’s birthday. Another hostage who was with Agam in Gaza was released during a temporary ceasefire between Israel and Hamas.

This released hostage, also named Agam, conveyed a message for her father.

“She told me to wish you a happy birthday,” Agam Goldstein-Almog, then 17, expressed.

Just recently, a person managed to find a way out of Gaza.

During a call, she mentioned being inside a car, feeling safe, and about to get on a military helicopter.

“I truly believe she will make it out,” her mother, Meirav Berger, 49, was heard saying through muffled tears.

“She will be alright,” Goldstein-Almog reassured her.

The next indication that there was hope came in May.

Out of the blue, an Israeli intelligence officer contacted the Bergers to share that there was new information suggesting their daughter was still alive. However, he couldn’t provide any further details.

Since that time, they have heard nothing more.

“Your faith was strong, but you needed confirmation,” sings Cohen in “Hallelujah.”

Agam Berger has been a violinist since fourth grade

In the past year, the Berger family has been trying their best to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, and special moments with as much enthusiasm as possible.

It hasn’t been easy, especially as the conflict continues with no hostage deal in sight that would please both parties. Recently, Israel has started a new phase in the conflict by targeting Hezbollah, Hamas’s ally, in southern Lebanon. This action has followed thousands of rockets and missiles launched at Israel by Hezbollah since the incident on October 7 last year.

In late September, Israel carried out the assassination of Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah and has conducted what they call “limited” ground operations into Lebanon to damage Hezbollah’s infrastructure and armaments. Meanwhile, Israeli military activities in Gaza seem to be winding down, as tension grows with Iran, which supports both Hezbollah and Hamas.

In March, the Berger family celebrated the bar mitzvah of Agam’s younger brother, Ilay.

A bar mitzvah is a joyful coming-of-age ceremony, but the Bergers struggled to fully embrace the celebration.

“We celebrated the best we could,” said Shlomi Berger.

Ilay Berger spent part of the summer in the U.S. at a camp in Massachusetts designed for Jewish children, funded by a generous donor who also covered travel for other siblings of hostages in Gaza.

In late August, family, friends, and musicians commemorated Agam Berger’s 20th birthday — the 321st day of her captivity — with speeches and performances of her favorite music on instruments like the violin, piano, and oud.

Agam has been playing the violin since she was in fourth grade.

“Though you are far away in the dark on your birthday, you are always so close to us,” her mother remarked during the event.

Around this time, Agam’s twin sister, Lee Yam, decided to enroll in Israeli military officer school after postponing it, partly due to her sister’s situation. Another sibling, Bar, will turn 18 in February and will also be joining the military soon.

Out of the original 251 hostages taken, over 100 were released during a cease-fire between Israel and Hamas in November in exchange for Palestinian prisoners held by Israel. Eight hostages were rescued by Israeli forces.

In December, some Israeli troops accidentally killed three Israeli hostages who had escaped from Hamas captivity in Gaza. Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and health officials reported that six hostages whose bodies were discovered in a Hamas tunnel on August 31 had been shot multiple times, including in the head.

The conflict has led to the deaths of tens of thousands of Palestinians due to Israel’s military actions since the conflict’s escalation, and has displaced a large portion of Gaza’s 2.3 million residents.

Israel has engaged in several wars with Hamas, other militant Palestinian groups, and coalitions of Arab forces throughout the extended Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The heart of the dispute revolves around territory, security, Israel’s right to exist, and Palestinian self-governance.

However, the latest war, the deadliest in their combined history, began with Hamas’s attack on Israel on October 7.

“Every milestone is challenging: the 100th day, the 150th day, the 200th day. It’s unfathomable to see the days go by, yet they remain captive. There are countless moments that are incredibly difficult,” Shlomi Berger expressed.

Finding comfort in returning to routine

In the initial period of Agam Berger’s captivity, her parents, both engineers, coped in very different ways. Shlomi Berger found some comfort in going back to work quickly, trying to occupy his mind instead of worrying about how his daughter was faring.

He attended numerous meetings with high-level Israeli officials, including the prime minister and security Cabinet members. He regularly meets with other hostage families for support.

Additionally, he traveled to the U.S. to urge members of Congress to encourage the Biden administration to “take more action.”

On the other hand, Meirav Berger kept close to home, avoiding the news and refraining from watching the video released by Hamas featuring her daughter. Overwhelmed by sorrow and feelings of helplessness, she often spent considerable time crying.

“In those early months, I was really scared for her,” Shlomi Berger recalls regarding his wife’s fears.

“I kept telling her, ‘You can’t just block everything out and say you don’t want to know. You need to face it.'”

In the last few months, Meirav has begun to embrace this advice. She now engages in various activities, attending appointments where she can speak about her daughter to keep her memory alive.

“I realized that I needed to take action,” she said. “To talk about Agam and share her message, which is rooted in love.”

In mid-September, she traveled to Budapest, Hungary, to pray for Agam — “to protect her” from her captors, as she described it — at the grave of a well-known 19th-century Jewish rabbi.

A few weeks prior, she and Shlomi did something they hadn’t done together in nearly a year.

They spent some time at the beach, enjoying a few hours of solitude.

“After the tragic deaths of the six hostages, I reached a point where I could barely breathe. I needed to clear my mind. When I got into the water, it was as if I was going to the mikvah,” she remarked, referencing the Jewish ritual bath.

“It made me feel pure again.”

A peaceful Friday for Shlomi Berger

Fridays are generally positive for Shlomi Berger.

He attends a synagogue in his apartment building to welcome Shabbat, the Jewish Sabbath that starts at sunset on Fridays and lasts until sunset on Saturdays. The neighbors are there.

He is spending time with his family.

They gather around, share meals, and engage in conversation, free from many interruptions.

“This time is significant for me,” he shared.

In contrast to other families of hostages, Agam Berger’s parents have not felt a strong urge to join the numerous protests in Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, and other cities that demand a resolution between Netanyahu and Hamas, along with a call for his resignation.

They struggle to provide a clear reason for this stance. Shlomi Berger expressed his difficulty in understanding why not everyone in Israel is on the streets advocating day and night for the release of the hostages. He prefers the comfort of home.

He likened the situation surrounding the Israel-Hamas cease-fire and hostage negotiations to “two immovable mountains.”

“Each stands firm – and does not budge.”

He mentioned that the recent news of six hostages reportedly executed at close range has led many families of hostages to understand that “time is slipping away to rescue them,” and that the threat of death looms over his daughter.

A dozen flights up from the synagogue in his apartment, in his daughter’s room, various gifts including books, cards, drawings, and other mementos sent to his family are scattered on her bed. Friends of his daughter have covered the walls with supportive messages over the past year.

However, he finds visiting that room difficult as well. Just like listening to her play the violin, it becomes too overwhelming for him.

He described his daughter as typical for her age. She enjoys “having fun,” going out with friends for beauty treatments, traveling, and spending time at the beach. He characterized her as having a big heart.

He hopes that none of her joyful spirit has changed.

Art by Veronica Bravo and Ariana Torrey