Everyone knows that friend—the one who shows up 45 minutes late for dinner, the one who “lost track of time” before a major birthday celebration, or the one who insists they are on their way to the bar while still at home.

This raises the question: is it right to tell them a different meeting time than the rest of the group? This issue recently exploded on TikTok after a user shared her experience of arriving 22 minutes earlier for a dinner reservation, only to find out her friends had made the reservation for 30 minutes later than they had informed her. One commenter sympathized, saying, “I’m always late too. My friends accept it, and I’m glad you have supportive friends!” Others were less forgiving: “Honestly, it’s just respectful to be on time if you’ve planned something together; it’s not that difficult.”

Experts in etiquette and ethics indicate that clear communication is essential when dealing with friends who have varying standards and perceptions of timeliness, as the concept of “on time” can differ by culture.

“Set expectations from the start and stay flexible, understanding that what might seem late to you could be considered punctual for someone else,” advises etiquette specialist Lisa Grotts.

Different people have varied interpretations of ‘punctuality’

Maybe you were raised in a household where everyone showed up 15 minutes early to events. Or perhaps your family operated on the idea that 7 p.m. meant 8 p.m. Regardless, as adults organizing your own social gatherings, you’re likely to face some challenges.

Consistently being late can unintentionally convey a message. “Being late suggests that your time is more important than everyone else’s,” Grotts points out. “It’s not. If this behavior continues, you risk being left off future guest lists.”

Conversely, if you’re the host expecting guests to arrive well after the scheduled time, having someone show up right on time could also come off as inconsiderate.

‘Lying is best avoided’

But can you justify deceiving your friends just to get them there on time? That’s a complex question.

“Think about whether other friends would be upset if they discovered that the organizer had communicated differently with each person,” notes Taya Cohen, professor of organizational behavior and business ethics at Carnegie Mellon University. When discussing ethics, the intention behind an action can determine whether it is deemed right or wrong.

Nonetheless, “it is best to avoid lying,” states Brad Fulton, associate professor of management and social policy at Indiana University – Bloomington. “This is primarily because lies often lead to more lies.” Addressing the issue directly might also cause complications: “If a person confronts a friend about their chronic lateness, that friend could respond defensively, claiming that punctuality is a cultural norm, not a universal one.”

‘Embrace the discomfort’

If you’re still unsure of what to do, here are some suggestions.

• Seek their assistance before the event, or mention something significant happening immediately. You could say, “I’m planning something special at the start, and it’s crucial for everyone to be there at a certain time,” as Fulton recommends. This approach can “make them feel valued,” says Grotts.
• Begin on time, even if guests haven’t arrived. “While it might not be subtle, it’s a strong nonverbal hint that the gathering will proceed without them,” Grotts emphasizes.
• Offer incentives for those who arrive on time. Psychologist Reneé Carr suggests, “For each punctual attendee, provide a reward,” like a special drink or a treat. Set a cutoff time for these rewards to encourage timeliness.
• Be patient. Remember everyone has different backgrounds; there is no single right or wrong approach. “If this is a friendship you value, try to avoid getting upset,” Carr advises. “They may not have been held accountable for being on time before and might be unaware of social norms.”
• Consider telling them an earlier time—just be cautious. It might make things easier, but it could backfire if this friend actually shows up on time.