An elderly and unpopular felon, who barely secured a win in the popular vote for the 2024 election, was inaugurated as president of the United States during a small indoor ceremony on Monday due to slightly chilly weather conditions.

Donald J. Trump, who previously instigated a violent assault on the U.S. Capitol and refused to peacefully transfer power when he left office, vowed to safeguard America from both foreign and domestic threats, while somehow suppressing laughter at the people who just re-elected him.

Ignoring the nearly half of U.S. voters who vehemently opposed and feared his leadership, Trump leveraged his unrestrained narcissism to earnestly proclaim: “For American citizens, January 20, 2025, marks liberation day.”

The inauguration took place indoors since temperatures in Washington, D.C. hovered in the mid-20s, and it seems they don’t produce mittens for Trump’s uniquely small hands.

Trump, Surrounded by Billionaires, Forecasts a ‘Golden Age of America’

The seasoned con artist – convicted of manipulating business records to conceal a hush money payment to an adult film star – stood in the Capitol rotunda making the dubious claim: “The Golden Age of America begins right now.”

He also mentioned his victory in November, where he received less than 50% of the popular vote, marking it as one of the closest elections since 1968, misleadingly suggesting he possesses a wide-reaching mandate: “As our victory demonstrated, the country is swiftly uniting around our agenda with significant support surging from nearly all sections of our society.”

Trump, possibly due to his advanced age, seemed unaware that he’s stepping into office with a notably low approval rating for an incoming president. According to 538’s poll averages, 48% of the population disapproves of him compared to 46% who approve.

For context, former President Barack Obama began his presidency with a 67% approval rating and outgoing President Joe Biden’s approval rating was 57% at his inauguration.

Trump Paints a Dystopian Picture of the U.S. That Only He Can Resolve

In his speech, Trump perplexingly depicted a currently thriving America as a complete disaster, claiming the nation can no longer deliver essential services and is filled with “betrayals,” while no one intervened to check on the well-being of the 78-year-old.

Seated nearby were Biden and outgoing Vice President Kamala Harris, both of whom had accurately cautioned the public that Trump is a perilous individual potentially steering the country towards fascism.

Yet, they remained seated, as if handing control of the world’s most powerful nation over to a felonious individual was just a routine task on a January Monday.

Promising Unity, Trump Quickly Attacked Trans Americans

In his inaugural remarks, Trump stated he would strip protections for transgender individuals, dehumanizing this group of Americans. After a campaign where he frequently labeled Democrats and anyone dissenting from him as adversaries who despise the country, he declared, seemingly without self-awareness: “We are one people, one family and one glorious nation under God.”

The silence that followed his statement indicated that the term “irony” had left America, rendering itself unnecessary.

Concluding his speech, President Trump asserted, against all evidence: “I am with you, I will fight for you, and I will win for you.”

The collective eye-roll from the majority of Americans who oppose him momentarily shifted the world’s axis.

Follow YSL News columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk