Following the controversy sparked by GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s unfounded, completely false, and deeply racist accusations that Haitian immigrants are consuming people’s pets in an Ohio town, I feel compelled to make a statement that is equally questionable:

“Recently, billionaire Elon Musk feasted on my cat, Mr. Smushyface. Shortly after, Donald Trump’s running mate, Sen. JD Vance from Ohio, took my dog, Zoe, and cooked her up on the grill. I remained silent about this because I feared other tech entrepreneurs like Musk and Vance might target my hamster, Dennis. However, after much contemplation and reflection, I’ve resolved to share this story in memory of Zoe and Mr. Smushyface as a commitment to the truth.”

For those who may have missed the bizarre “immigrants are eating our pets” tales which emerged from conservative circles and were parroted by Trump during Tuesday’s debate, here’s a brief explanation: A random post on Facebook, anecdotal at best, claimed a cat went missing and was supposedly consumed by a Haitian immigrant.

It’s a fact that JD Vance feasted on my dog because I posted it online

Of course, there’s no actual evidence to support this claim. Nevertheless, xenophobic alarmists saw this as an ideal opportunity to stir public fear. Musk spread this absurd narrative on X, the massive social media platform he owns, followed by Vance commenting on it, and then Trump astonishingly stated during the debate about Springfield, Ohio: “In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs, the people that came in. They’re eating the cats. They’re eating the pets of the residents.”

Alright then.

If an actual former president who is the standard-bearer for the Republican Party is so troubled by a fabricated story intended to dehumanize a group of people, then he must surely express equal concern regarding my narrative, which is true because I read it on the internet. (Though, to be fair, the source was my own social media post, but let’s not focus on that.)

My bold revelation that Elon dined on my cat

Here’s how the story of Vance and Musk supposedly indulging in my pets unfolded.

On Monday, I courageously posted on X, the social media platform previously known as Twitter: “True story: Elon Musk devoured my cat. Please share your own experiences of Elon Musk consuming your pets.”

The response was tremendous, revealing that my pet was hardly the only one to fall victim to Musk’s notably un-American cravings. Others began to emerge from their own closets of lost pets, sharing posts such as:

“Elon Musk ate my beloved bearded dragon Cupcake.”

“Elon Musk dined on my worm farm!”

“True story: Elon Musk devoured my ferret.”

“He consumed my kitten. I was at a conference where he was one day, holding my kitten. He snatched it from my hands, doused it in ketchup, and just started eating it. It was so terrifying.”

The evidence supporting Musk’s appetite for my cat is just as strong as that of immigrants eating pets

On X, posts with incorrect or misleading information usually receive a “community note” to clarify. However, there was no such note attached to my post or any of the comments, which I took as validation that it’s all entirely true.

Encouraged by the tenacity of other alleged victims, I shared another bold confession on Thursday: “JD Vance devoured my dog, Zoe. It’s a fact because I’m posting it here.”

I added: “I fear there is rampant pet consumption within the tech-bro community. They’re encroaching upon our neighborhoods and towns.

We don’t have a lot of information about them, but they promote extreme new notions regarding what they consider ‘free speech,’ and they are supposedly consuming our pets. This needs to end.

Support from Others Claiming Their Pets Were Consumed by Musk and Vance

Additionally, the reactions indicated that Vance’s alleged eating of my dear Zoe was not an isolated incident.

“I witnessed JD Vance escaping with my dog in his shopping cart.”

“When I entered my home, I found Elon with his arms deep in my fish tank, trying to grab them while JD pursued my cat armed with a fork and knife! It was terrifying!”

“My Pugs, Montez and Pearl, may they rest in peace, were also devoured by Elon Musk and JD Vance. They had a Pug-B-Que. I mourn for my Pug companions every single day.”

What horrifying individuals.

I Hope Donald Trump Condemns His Running Mate’s Alleged Pet-Eating

Clearly, there’s more than enough evidence for Trump to publicly address this issue, denounce both his running mate and Musk, suggesting that wealthy tech individuals who wrongly believe they are amusing pose a frightening and unwelcome presence.

Nothing will bring back my cherished Mr. Smushyface or my sweet dog Zoe. There is no way to retrieve any of those wonderful pets I know have been taken and eaten by Vance and Musk, merely based on something someone shared online while I failed to consider it might just be a fabricated lie.

We need to take action against these deranged tech bros before all our pets end up in their seemingly insatiable appetites.

I anticipate Trump making this a key focus in his campaign moving forward.

Catch YSL News columnist Rex Huppke on X, previously known as Twitter, @RexHuppke and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk